Starter of mini pork pie on bed of creamed spinach followed by soup
There’s no debating the fact I am a hideous cook and a danger to anyone unfortunate enough to be my dinner guest. I was led to believe that women become magicians in the kitchen when they reach a certain age, capable of wowing their friends and family with culinary works of art. Well, I’m still bloody waiting to become a domestic goddess and, if anything, I appear to be getting less capable with my increasing maturity.
Most worryingly, I often don’t believe my supposedly ludicrous dishes taste too bad, but I have to take on board the multiple complaints.
Perhaps I’m just not fussy in the slightest when it comes to what I put in my digestive system. Take last week’s little plate of horrors, for example. I wish I could blame this (apparently) disgusting creation on my local Sainsbury’s in Croydon, which in my defence offers one of the poorest selections of mismatched ingredients. However, the more likely culprit is my panicky brain that appears to malfunction as soon as I step foot in a supermarket and becomes incapable of choosing even remotely complementary meal components.
A thrilling main course of soup had already been selected for that evening’s meal. But that wouldn’t be filling enough, we needed a starter.
I gazed at the uninspiring shelves of goods and – as always – the food part of my brain began to fail me. Suddenly something jumped out… MINI PORK PIES! Perfect. It’s filling and would be the ideal accompaniment for the liquid-based main.
But wait, what was this I spied in the reduced section? Creamed spinach for only 89p! The impossible dream. Wow, my boyfriend was in for a culinary treat that night. Or so I mistakenly thought.
Shamefully, it’s the little things in life, like the prospect of eating mini pork pies that really give me a buzz so I excitedly began to prepare the evening’s meal, salivating as I unwrapped the tantalising pies. While the soup heated I began warming the bargaintastic creamed spinach and then delicately placed the pie upon the green slimy bed I had so lovingly created.
Ready for the big reveal, I carried my experimental dishes into the lounge where my boyfriend waited, hungry and tired after a long day at work.
The delicacy was met with an expression of disgust, bemusement and pure horror. Odd. Who wouldn’t want to tuck into the tantalising treats in the photo above?
I guess I need to go with the majority vote for this one and take on board the opinions of friends who – having seen the photographic evidence – offered constructive criticism such as “that looks like my dog’s sick after its eaten grass.”
It appears I’ll never learn as later that week another of my Sainsbury’s specials – a medley of chicken nuggets, corn bread, baked beans (for moisture) and broccoli – was met with equal disapproval and disappointment. I’m sticking to ready meals.
Embracing the idiotic 